it's been some time since i wrote. there's been so much going on and every time i think i'll have time to write, i lack the energy.
then frustration got the best of me. i was at a point where i didn't want to write, i didn't want to talk with anyone, except a couple of friends. i tried, really did to open up to others, but you know where that got me? no where, ridiculed, feeling even more lonely. I don't think like others, i know that. why did i ever think i could let anyone else in? yes, i have some very close friends and i can talk to them, but one was with her husband who had been put in the hospital in icu. my closest sisterfriend lives out of town and while we text often, chat by phone occasionally, we get to see each other maybe once a month, if we're lucky. another friend lost her husband a month ago. the last month has been mostly work, being there for my friends, family and resting when i could.
don't get me wrong, i was absolutely there for my friends! my heart was broken for my friend who lost her husband (she found him on the cement, just outside their door, massive heart attack) and all i could do was be there for her & pray. my other friend's husband's kidneys had mostly shut down and when i showed up at the hospital she looked at me with complete surprise and said "what are you doing here?!" she was so shocked that someone would come to be there for her and her husband, that broke my heart as much having to watch her worry so much about her husband.
that left my other sisterfriend, i don't know if she is even aware of how much she helped me over the last 2 months. just being a sounding board & good company was enough to carry me through.
and of course, i'm not discounting my Savior! without Him, well, without Him, what would be the point? I don't even want to think of life without Yahuah!
anyway, back to writing. I had at one point decided I wasn't going to write any more, maybe in my journal, but not here, certainly not here and wasn't even worried about finishing my short story blog (sorry, for those of you waiting for the end, i'm getting back to it). I just was that sad, lonely, angry, frustrated, aggravated, irritated, tired, UGH, that i didn't want to do anything. oh, i put on a good face, i can make a plastic smile with the best of them! but that's all it was, a plastic smile.
i couldn't say why, but at some point i was sitting here, feeling all those negative yucky feelings, crying out to YAHUAH, (literally). I think i saw something on facebook or g+ or maybe a picture or a text someone sent me, i don't remember the defining moment. but it was as if i heard His voice speaking to my spirit. I can't say they were audible or even understandable words, it was more a nudging. and i knew at that moment, i could not give up my writing. it was given to me by Him, for His use (& for me as an outlet, a way to be me when i can't be me anywhere else).
That's when i determined in my spirit, i was NOT going to let the enemy take my gift from me! it still took me some time to write again, but here i am.
it might be touch and go for awhile, i'll be moving in a couple of weeks from an apartment into a house (YAY), so there might some lapses. But i'm determined to write again, even if no one bothers to read any of it, I'm not doing this for anyone but YAHUAH. (yes, it gives me a release of sorts, but it's all for Him!)
I have to write, He fills my spirit with words and I have to write them.
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